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Growling, “Fuck my pain away,” The Cliks’ lead singer Lucas Silvera opens the show, and the trans man next to me is so excited he leaps up, knocking ale down the front of my dress. The cute, middle-aged gay guy on my right exclaims, “Oh Mary!” Somehow, I already know that by the end of the night I’ll be giving a lap dance to the octogenarian lesbian behind me.

This is Portland, a city with more strip clubs per capita than anywhere else in the country, which also boasts the most bookstores, including the city block devoted entirely to Powell’s Bookstore. This is a town where everyone rides bicycles, hipsters raise chickens in their backyards, gay men drink beer, fleece is considered a good fashion choice, and at least one out of every three cars is seen sporting a bumper sticker that reads “Keep Portland Weird.” (“Keep Portland Queer” is also popular).

Bias, an Oregon native, reminds me that Portland was nicknamed Little Beirut by President Bush senior. “We deserve it. We’re a political bunch here and we don’t let much pass without comment. If Portland were a human being, it would be a chubby, transgender, bisexual, vegan, feminist bike mechanic who thinks that Jesus was probably a pretty cool dude, but doesn’t have much use for his followers. Oh, and he’d have a medical marijuana card, a community garden plot, and approximately 438 pairs of stripey socks.”

Kathy Belge, the lesbian guru for About.com and author of Lipstick and Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships, concurs. “Portland is a politically progressive city and queers fit in well here. Plus, depending on the outcome of the next election, we might have a gay mayor!”

The mayor wouldn’t be the only notable queer, though. Filmmaker Gus Van Sant and bands like The Gossip and lesbian-owned Chainsaw Records all call Portland home.

Here are a few guidelines to help you decipher the mythical gay map of PDX. In the Southeast, the Hawthorne neighborhood boasts a decidedly hip, DIY aesthetic, with bicycle punks, hardcore vegans, and tattooed dykes all cramming together in the beer-serving movie theaters and funky cafés.

The Northeast arts district known as Alberta attracts many of the city’s newest converts with its ethnically diverse population and a thriving, but never pretentious, art scene. Both of those ’hoods are chock-a-block with queers.

Across the Willamette River resides a clean, walkable Downtown, Portland’s Art Museum, most of the city’s top hotels, a quaint Chinatown, chic artist studios-meet-condos-meet-urban edge Pearl District, and several of Portland’s greatest general-interest attractions (Portland Saturday Market, the Japanese Gardens, and Pittock Mansion).

Getting to know the neighborhoods is a task all its own, so don’t be depressed if it doesn’t happen on your first visit. That’s what next year is for. In the meantime, you’ll find yourself crossing back and forth over the city’s many famed bridges (all thankfully toll-free) trying to determine where the hell the Pearl ends and the Northwest begins.

The one downtown neighborhood every queer visitor definitely needs to check out is “Vaseline Alley,” the euphemistically-dubbed Stark Street that enjoys a preponderance of gay clubs. The notorious Darcelle’s drag club supposedly draws brides-to-be who celebrate their showers and fight over the tiaras, but every time I’ve visited it’s been balls to the wall with out-of-town queers, few of whom could be dragged out before closing.

Dance nights abound for Portland’s queer women. Everyone who is anyone goes to Holocene, where the girls are partying down at rotating events including Tart, Pop Tart, Cupcake, and Double-Down. The lesbo party scene is so vibrant it has attracted Seattle’s beloved lesbo club night, Girl 4 Girl, which recently started up a PDX night at the Wonder Ballroom.

If you identify as queer, or just like venues that attract the entire LGBT spectrum, Bias says you have to check out the dance night Blow Pony at the new Eagle “for a fun intermingling of trans folk, gay boys, bears, and dykes. Blow Pony is a fantastic gathering for everyone!”

Portland’s only lesbian bar, The Egyptian Club, slows down during other club party nights, but it’s hopping on Saturday nights when nothing else is going on. During the winter, the Egyptian offers board games and other daytime entertainment to chase the rainy-day blues away, but I think it’s still the three-bar combo that brings in the ladies. One room is a 90s-style dance club with old vinyl booths, another a straight-up pool bar (that looks like it’s right out of a scene from Stone Butch Blues), and the last a rousing and ribald karaoke bar. Ever seen lesbians swoon over a trio of super drunk 40-year-olds belting out an old Melissa Etheridge song to celebrate the big 4-0? I have. ’Nuff said.

Another three-room venture is the lovely Crush Bar. The Vice Room (for smokers), the Blue Room (for eating, dancing, and the shows), and the Crush Lounge (think big sofas and granite coffee tables). There’s dancing on the weekends, DJs during the week, and my fave on Sundays: Dumpster Dive Disco Brunch (dancing and brunch). While there, snag a Crush Garden Muddled Mary (muddled tomato, basil, lime, vodka, and house-pickled veggies) and you too can brag about your breakfast drink.

If you’re one of those post-modern types, Rotture, a lounge/restaurant/music venue, may be your top stop. Indie bands from all over book here, from Scream Club to Swallows, Patricia Furpurse, Sluts and Squares, and Reverse Dotty and the Candy Cane Shivs. Unique in the myriad of enchanting acts, though, is a particular frequent guest, a nomadic, queer, modern circus called Batty’s Hippodrome. Hard to define, but thrilling to watch, Batty’s is another Portland original.